Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to a systems analyst

(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

 Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

                 

. AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0

program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.

Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the......... C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme,can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

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Olufemi

God in the bathroom

The following ensued between a teacher and his students in the class:

Teacher: Where is God?

John: God is everywhere because wherever I go, I hear people talking about God.

Mary: God is in heaven because in the morning during prayers, we say our father who are in heaven.

 

Peter: God is inside the bathroom because whenever I am having my bath, my father will knock at the door and say,

"Oh God, you are still there."

 

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Olufemi

How To Speak

Introduction

You might start with a story or incident that engages the attention and interest of the audience.

 

i. An Indication of the structure of your talk

Give a brief outline.

ii. The body of your talk

A clear, brief presentation.

iii. Conclusion

Summarize your points and perhaps return to the story or incident you began with.

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Olufemi

How to Introduce a Speaker

Highlighted tips are the ways to introduce a speaker

1. Familiarize yourself with the Speaker’s backgrounds. Do not read from his biodata.

2. Be cheerful, warm and enthusiastic,. This is contagious.

3. Avoid the commonplace ‘for having graced this occasion by taking out of his busy schedule.

4. Be accurate. Don’t have the speaker wondering who is being introduced.

5. Often it is more effective to single out one quality or accomplishment of the speaker rather than give an undifferentiated litany of the past.

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Olufemi

How to Begin and End a Talk

This article is committed to itemized the tips for starting and ending a talk.

How to Begin a Talk

i. Set up a good relationship with the audience. ‘Be friendly, look friendly, sound friendly’;

ii. Grab the attention of the audience with an incident, a “silent of life” from your own experience;

iii. Arouse curiously/build up the theme;

iv. Present arresting facts or catchy statements; and

v. Make I more interactive; as questions.

How to end a Talk

i. When you have said what you wanted to say, STOP! Speaking is like drilling for water: when you have struck water, stop boring. “be clear, be brief, be seated”;

ii. Go back to the story/incident with which you started. Connect the main point of your talk with it and finish;

iii.Often a little summary is helpful. “Tell them what you are going to tell them, and then tell them what you told them;

iv. Have a strong finish. The last words will remain in their minds; and

v. Don’t leave the speaker’s stand while saying the last few words.

 After the last word, pause for just a moment and then leave the platform with purpose

decision.

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Olufemi

Always be patient

This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.

 

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, " Daddy,I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide.

Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or u wish to take revenge. Think first before u lose your patience with someone u love. Trucks can be repaired.. Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.

 

People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

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Olufemi

Trust

TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, Anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.

 

A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB.Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."

 

Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".

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Olufemi

Don't Point Fingers

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?" The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."

We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.

If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.

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Creating Perfect Relationship

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."

There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.

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Olufemi

Coincidences between Abraham Lincoln and J.F. Kennedy

Abraham Licoln | John Fitzgerald Kennedy

1. Joined Congress in 1848 | Joined congress in 1948

2. He became President in 1860 | He became president 1960

3. Name of V. President was Kennedy | Name of V. President was Lincoln
Johnson Johnson

4. Both surnames contains 7 letters

5. They were both shot in the Head

6. Was killed in a theater called KENNEDY |Was Killed in a car called LINCOLN

7. Their assassins were both known by their 3 names containing 15 letters.

8. The assassin was born in 1839 | The assassin was born in 1939

9.Both assassins were killed while on trial

Put together by

Olufemi

Last Man Standing

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and snoring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The Pastor had been watching him all along.

Nothing his apparent hangover, at the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of the guy. The minister says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand" the whole room stood up except, of course, the sleeping man.Then the preacher says even louder,"And he who would like find a place in hell please STAND UP!.

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stand up, only to find that he is the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he blurts out, " I don't what we're voting on here, preacher, but it seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it.

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In a Minute

A man was having a chit-chat with God, when suddenly the man said;

Man: What is a million years like?

God : To me that is like a minute.

Man: How about a million dollar?

God: That is like a dollar, man.

Man:(Smiling to himself and feeling smart) Please God may I have one dollar, God.

God: That's no problem, just give a minute.

 

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Men at work

A young man went in search of work in a zoo. Unfortunately for him, there was no vacancy. Since he was so desperate for a job, the zoo manager told him he would pay him well if he could dress up like a gorilla, a star attraction who incidentally died the day before.

Well the guy had his doubts but he needed the money, so he put on gorilla skin and went into the cage. He was able to convince visitors to the zoo that he is a real gorilla. This isn't so bad, he thought then he started putting up a good show , jumping around, beating his chest, roaming and swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, he lost his balance and crashed landed through the safety net in the middle of the Lion's cage. As he laid there stunned the lion roared. He became terrified and started screaming; Help ! Help!! Help!!!. the lion raced to him and placed his paws on his chest and hissed, "will you shut up, do you want both of us to lose our jobs?".

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Is it love or Likeness

A never-ending and controversial question that the answer would be varies from person to person for sure so we may never come to a universally accepted conclusion. Let me elaborate on what is “love”? And what is “like”? Since all of us are human and maybe the only species on the cosmos that fall in love and feel like, we all have an intuitive notion of what love or like is? These are both divine emotions which the compassionate the merciful God has bestowed upon humanity to enable them spread peace and redemption in their kingdom. So it is not surprising if they are utilized in place of each other.

I do not know whether have you ever fallen in love or not, but it is dead certain as a human being you have experienced to be fond of someone at least for once. How was it? Can you feel it now? And why you like him or her? In many cases it seems impossible to convey your precise feeling because when it comes to talk about emotions even the best narrators turn to a novice one. Notwithstanding being incapable of elaborating feeling, you can exhibit the reasons of why you like or love someone, even in this stage you turn back into an expert narrator, moreover your are highly aroused and a pleasant sensation surround you while characterizing him or her.

Although love has undeniable might and is thought to be the strongest, purest and most complicated man’s sensation, the cause and the moment that it occurred have given rise to these questions; Does an emotion which has been just set alight at a glance last long? Or is it sincere? The answer depends on person’s point of view and his or her situation. If you ask a lover or a beloved one these questions he or she would presumably reply “definitely yes” and ask the same thing under normal circumstances you will get a more reasonable response. Unfortunately these mundane loves mistakenly interpreted and compare to the “love of God” which is intensely different in term of purity and sincerity.

On the other side the bases that to be fond of somebody is rooted in, is completely in contrast with mundane loves’ causes and principles. It is a mixture of both emotion and insight which help you to develop a mutual relationship and having the same feelings one for another. A great part of liking somebody is having cognition about him or her and if you found it likable the more you know someone, the more you like him which led to a more mature and more faithful interaction. And last but not least inasmuch insight is considered when you feel like you will not be akin to those blindfolded lovers that try to justify their beloved ones’ deeds even if they do the most unpleasant things ever possible. At long last having both emotion and insight into account it can satisfies you both emotionally and conceptually as opposed to love that just meets your emotions. In sum up the term “be fond of someone” is more highly likely being a pure and honest sentiment.

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Olufemi 

All Because of Tomorrow

It’s interesting to know that all what we do today is for the sake of tomorrow. If you take your time to think about it, every single action we take in life is driven by the need to create a better and a secured future.

Do you know that People go as far as seeing a fortuneteller, prophet or seer to tell them what the future holds for them? A song writer wrote “when I was a little girl, I ask my Mother what life will be? Will I be rich? Will I be poor? Guess what mama said to me…Hey Sara sara, what ever will be will be, the future is not ours to see, Hey Sara Sara! When ever I hear the song, I ponder on it. Can we really see the future? Does anyone have the power to see the future on our behalf?

Remember, The future has and will always occupy a special place in the human mind. In fact the human mind is consciously and subconsciously programmed in such a way that it would want to know or find out anything that is kept secret. Dr. Robert Schuller was right when he said “Curiosity is the dynamic portion of the mind that provokes the question that release creativity.

Please, think and create a good tomorrow today.

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Olufemi

You can determine your destiny

Man sows a thought and reaps an action. He sows an action and reaps a habit. He sows a habit and reaps a character. He sows a character and reaps a destiny.

Since man made his own destiny by his own thinking and acting, he can change his destiny. He is the master of his own destiny. There is no doubt about this. By thinking right and working hard, he can become the master of his destiny.

A rogue is not an eternal rogue. Put him in the company of a saint, he will change in no time. He will think and act in a different way and will change his destiny. He will become saintly in character.

You can make your destiny. Use the power of thought. Think rightly, think nobly. You will have only to think, and act. By right thinking, by right desiring, by right acting, you can become a sage, a millionaire. You can attain the best of your wish through good thoughts and action.

Man is not a helpless being. He has a free will of his own. God has installed in you everything you need to succeed. You are the architect of your own fortune and destiny, so be a good architect.

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Olufemi

Communication Breakdown

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce? 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, ""we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your husband ever beat you up?
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does.
He says he can't communicate with me!"

Laugh it off

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Olufemi

Men will always be Men

In a train compartment,there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers starts a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "if each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs"

The men, charmed by this young girl, all put a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "if each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then they young girl says, "if you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three brought out the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they are passing.

"See there in the distance, that is where I had it done.

Laugh it off!

 

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Tips on how to heal a heartbreak

Relationship is a product of two (heart) parties accepting to be one. When this bond is formed it's difficult and hurts if you want to remove. This is why the some religion will always advice not to bond outside marriage. When a relationship is blissful both party's smile and spring of joy comes into play. But when things go wrong hurts and heartbreak takes over. 

The followings are some tips to heal heartbreak:
1. Let go the past; one of the challenges you must face in life is learning from the past, appreciating it and leaving it in the past.

2. Forgive the person; the moment you forgive the cloud, hatred and the burden of losing someone will be lifted off you.

3. Accept yourself; even if everybody rejects you, loving yourself is the first step of healing heartbreak.

4. Have a long neglected conversation with the person; the memory of the person could make you feel a sense of losing someone. But when conversion is neglected you can easily forget about the person.

5. Return the person's materials; materials have a way of triggering memories. So do away with such materials.

6. Do what you love to do most; things you know how to do best have a way of making yourself happy and joyful, this could in turn release your heart.

7. Be around positive friends; Friends could worsen issues or make a light to glitter around your face. Positive friends make positive things happen to you.

8. Know that better things is ahead of you; make the rest of your life the best of your life, by being careful not to repeat same mistakes. Your past might have been tempered with, but know that your future is very untouched. Look onto the future.

9. Don't jump into another relationship quickly; when a person is heartbroken he/she could want to rush into another relationship, to replace the hurts and feelings. That is not the best option. Just wait and learn from your past first.

My final advise is that whatever that leaves you is not meant for you, so be happy that your best is on the way.

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Olufemi

Never Give Up

Whenever I sit down to meditate on how the world is been run and the activities that goes on, on a daily basis, I begin to wonder why we do the things we do! Welcome to tomorrow, welcome to the future!

Do you know that We tend to become what we focus on for long? Most people don’t believe in themselves, they don’t believe in a brighter future. The truth is that what you believe in will surely unfold itself in your future. The future is an inevitable experience that must surely come to pass. But we have all what it takes to design it the way we want it to be.

It’s interesting to know that all what we do today is for the sake of tomorrow. If you take your time to think about it, every single action we take in life is driven by the need to create a better and a secured future.

If you hope to one day in the future become a successful entrepreneur, career diplomat, or whatsoever your endeavors maybe, and what you’re seeing presently doesn’t look like it, then you are not there yet. Until you look like it, please don’t stop but just keep keeping on until you get there.

The easiest way to know what the future holds for us is to go to God. He can unfold our future to us just like He has done in time past. We should anchor our lives on the one who holds and knows the future. Come to think of it, our interest in life should be to the future because that is where we are going to spend the rest of our lives. Besides, there is no future in dwelling in the past.

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Olufemi